status update6/6/2026: ne laissez pas
date: 6/6/2026
time: 11:39 pm
tags: personal
people truly come and go, and i can't force anyone to stay. when people tiptoe their way out of my life, it feels like divine punishment for my past behavior of ghosting people i didn't have the energy for. i don't blame anyone for not having the energy for me. i'm a handful, and whether i'm worth the trouble or not is not my business.
...but of course i feel hurt when people don't choose to stay. it's always the same: we talk for a few days, weeks, or even months. a pattern or habit is formed. suddenly, silence blooms like a stain. sometimes slowly, sometimes abruptly.
all i can do is to wish they won't leave. ne laissez pas. does god speak french, by any chance?
i do wish to be chosen. are you here with me because it's convenient, or do you appreciate me for who i am? so far, i haven't truly felt chosen. is it because i'm a lot to deal with? sometimes i overshare because im not sure that anyone has ever listened to me with genuine curiosity. people are only curious when they want to judge me.
i guess part of why i made this blog is to have a genuine record of who i truly am according to how i understand myself, so that evidence of my authentic self will be available when i'm no longer around. if no one cares to get to know me, here i am, i guess (for the purposes of documentation)?
~ C
time: 11:39 pm
tags: personal
people truly come and go, and i can't force anyone to stay. when people tiptoe their way out of my life, it feels like divine punishment for my past behavior of ghosting people i didn't have the energy for. i don't blame anyone for not having the energy for me. i'm a handful, and whether i'm worth the trouble or not is not my business.
...but of course i feel hurt when people don't choose to stay. it's always the same: we talk for a few days, weeks, or even months. a pattern or habit is formed. suddenly, silence blooms like a stain. sometimes slowly, sometimes abruptly.
all i can do is to wish they won't leave. ne laissez pas. does god speak french, by any chance?
i do wish to be chosen. are you here with me because it's convenient, or do you appreciate me for who i am? so far, i haven't truly felt chosen. is it because i'm a lot to deal with? sometimes i overshare because im not sure that anyone has ever listened to me with genuine curiosity. people are only curious when they want to judge me.
i guess part of why i made this blog is to have a genuine record of who i truly am according to how i understand myself, so that evidence of my authentic self will be available when i'm no longer around. if no one cares to get to know me, here i am, i guess (for the purposes of documentation)?
~ C
media journal
curriculum
photo album
travel diary
sketchbook
spellbook
secret diary
remember!